Finding the light at the end of the tunnel....

Sometimes, we find ourselves in a state of some type of mental struggle, anguish or adversity... I would be lying if I told you that at some point I haven't experienced these moments... However, as I have been on this journey and enjoying all the rollercoasters and wild rides of emotions and happiness, there are dark moments. One thing that I never even had a clue on in regards to emotional stability, was the aspect of some form of depression... Albeit, at my stage in the journey, I can honestly say that I feel like mine is minor to others who are in this same journey..

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Does that make my current or past moments any less valid...No...just means that I have realized that even in my hardest moments as of late, they are not anywhere close to as bad as some that I have reached out to, talked with or merely supported in this same quest. I do know that, in this pursuit there are many other types of awareness to my emotions, sensitivities and overall position mentally which i have become aware. I can say without doubt, there are moments where i just cry cause i feel alone. Lost... Never good enough... There is a meme going on in Tiktok, for some of you reading, you may not know what that is, but if you look you will find the platform which i'm talking about. It's a social outlet for individuals to post short videos referencing things in the user's life which are funny, emotional, sad, inspiring or other things. The meme i am referencing case in point, is that "post a pic when you were at your lowest point or a close low point, when no one knew any the wiser".... I have lots of those pics... The thing that i have kept so close, is my drive to inspire others no matter where I am mentally. It's a sacrifice which I have pushed so hard on that I just don't see any other way no matter what the cost. Call it an act of selflessness, or sacrifice, but one thing i do know is, it's worth it.

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The cost...however is realizing that sometimes even I need help or someone to talk to, but what looms overhead in my head is that I don't want to be someone's burden when i'm having these moments. I know it's ludicrous to think like this, and to put myself in a box, where it's not ok for me to ask for help, cause believe me, all of you out there have shown me that it IS ok to ask for help. But that guilt always creeps in, like "I don't want to be anyones problem, or burden." I just wanted to rise from all the pain and all the bullshit and be above it all... Push it to the past and not let it define me. I feel that i have made great strides in this quest and for the most part, feel like I have conqurered it, but I can say that some days i just feel so so fucking overwhelmed with these emotions where I'm like... "where is my person? Where is my significant who can hold, me, stroke my head / hair and tell me i'm worth it, that i matter, and i'm valued as a person and human being...that i'm capable of being loved..Where is my Happiness in that aspect..? Where is my moment where i can feel complete with someone and finally feel like an equal with someone?"

This is, by all definitions...the hardest aspect of this transition and going thru this...is reflection. The ability to look in the proverbial mirror and see faults and successes and find the balance in some quantifiable metric which comforts my brain to knowing that I'm ok. This balance and such is such a hard thing to find. Which brings me to the full awareness just how hard it is for many who suffer from more acute aspects of depression. My heart aches for those who have it worse than me and I feel lucky knowing that I keep my mind and heart busy so that I don't have moments to dwell on that part of my life and those thoughts. But sometimes, fleeting moments arise and rear their ugly heads trying to bring me down. This is by far...excruciatingly painful.

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I guess what it all boils down to is that we are all on a quest to find the light at the end of the tunnel, that conclusion, that peace, the balance which allows us to wake another day feeling happy and blessed that we have made an impact on our own lives or others around us. I guess in my own mind, this is one of the things which keeps me going, is helping others reflect and then reach their goals and find that light.

In closing... Remember, no matter how dark it is in the tunnel, there is always a light at the end of it and you will be fine and you are strong. No matter if you have to ask for help or not. It's not a sign of weakness, and someone else's kindness is not weakness either... it's selflessly giving of love and empathy to help us all. <3.  I know i have learned this lesson so many times over the past 2 years and let me be the first to tell you, its' not easy.. No one ever said it was. I guess you never realize who is really by your side, until you flip the whole world around them upside down and show them the reality which was laying right in front of them the whole damn time. Amazing the irony as i think back about my childhood and popularity and other things like there where I was never in that group.. Tested, teased and ridiculed, but in the end I guess I am the one who "Glowed Up" as they say. I just didn't want to let anything hold me back from doing what I wanted to do, or a societal norm define where i needed to work, job or family or anything like that. I used my life as a template form my own story no matter what the outcome. The past 3 years have been a testament to that and my overall happiness which has been amazing. But it's funny ironically as i had a convo with an old HS friend who was like "is this the same ____________ from HS that I graduated with in 97'" I was like yeah...They immediately were shocked like WOW... i guess i never knew... I'm like yeah... well sometimes it be like that. And most of the shit talkers and such from HS are turning full circle and so Friendly like , NAH BITCH , Wrong Bitch...here is what i'm thinking. I remember all that shit when we were young, and yes I can attribute it to being Young , Dumb and lacking any world experience for sure, or being culturally impaired... but still words still did damage as it did to so many others like me.

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What do i wish from all of that... I really can't say.. Apology maybe? Maybe just some moment for them to sit and listen to my story so that they understand what this is like and what it means for someone like me. Who knows. Just 5 min in my shoes maybe.

We will see... Until then...I just keep my head high and live my life one day at a time.

Till next time... Love you all! <3

-Fi